No-Look Seeing Something

Whoever this finger is pointing at must be stopped.

Earvin "Magic" Johnson's crusade against unacceptable private behavior claimed another victory today, as he prevented an act of domestic arson. "I was just walking my dog, Madam Silver, down the street when I could feel something wasn't right. It was like back when I was driving down the lane, and I would think, 'Is Worthy open? Where's Larry?' And I'd say, 'Not this time, Larry!' Behind the back to Kurt for the dunk! That's what I'm talking about! High fives and hugs all around, both of which I invented by the way. Sorry, what was the question? Oh, right, so I'm walking Madam, and I whip my head around and I see this guy, he's white but that's not important, and he's about to burn his house down! Not only that, listen, now, not only that, but he's about to burn his house down on his son's birthday, and they're having a party! I mean, what is this world coming to people, when a man can just set fire to whatever he pleases with all those children around? So, you know, thankfully I was there, and I'm sure all you would have done the same, but long story short, I'm now the owner of the house, as well as the arsonists beautiful family. Some of the other children, well, we're looking into how they were allowed to be at this arsonist's home, and where were the parents and all that, but we'll leave it to the courts."

President Obama was unavailable for comment, but the first lady mentioned Sasha, Maliah, and the future several times.