When the Money's Gone

Talk about your all-time backfires... In a shocking development, the twin institutions of American mass control, the lottery and the NFL, have crossed streams and threatened the very fabric of our capitalist existence. This morning, news outlets across the country breathlessly reported that five Pro-Bowlers won the 1.5 billion dollar Powerball together. But the nation's excitement that Tom Brady, Rob Gronkowski, Odell Beckham Jr, Cam Newton and JJ Watt were the lucky winners turned to horror a few minutes into their press conference.

"It was Gronk's idea, most great ideas are," said Brady while wearing a fishing hat and a cutoff t-shirt reading "A Vacation from My Problems!" "He said it would make us the five richest men alive, and then we could build Iron Man suits and protect the world. Now, you know, Gronk gets carried away, but the money did sound pretty good. Gronk, where you at?" Brady pulled down his Ray-Bans to seek Gronkowski out in the crowd. He wasn't hard to find, because he was busy demonstrating his new "Human Daiquiri Machine" by spinning around with three bikini-clad women in a giant plastic tube filled with slushy liquor. "Love that guy," Brady added before shotgunning a PBR.

"First step in wealth management, you gotta diversify your portfolllllllliooooooooo!"