When the Money's Gone

Talk about your all-time backfires... In a shocking development, the twin institutions of American mass control, the lottery and the NFL, have crossed streams and threatened the very fabric of our capitalist existence. This morning, news outlets across the country breathlessly reported that five Pro-Bowlers won the 1.5 billion dollar Powerball together. But the nation's excitement that Tom Brady, Rob Gronkowski, Odell Beckham Jr, Cam Newton and JJ Watt were the lucky winners turned to horror a few minutes into their press conference.

"It was Gronk's idea, most great ideas are," said Brady while wearing a fishing hat and a cutoff t-shirt reading "A Vacation from My Problems!" "He said it would make us the five richest men alive, and then we could build Iron Man suits and protect the world. Now, you know, Gronk gets carried away, but the money did sound pretty good. Gronk, where you at?" Brady pulled down his Ray-Bans to seek Gronkowski out in the crowd. He wasn't hard to find, because he was busy demonstrating his new "Human Daiquiri Machine" by spinning around with three bikini-clad women in a giant plastic tube filled with slushy liquor. "Love that guy," Brady added before shotgunning a PBR.

"First step in wealth management, you gotta diversify your portfolllllllliooooooooo!"

Of course, the crowd had several questions, but Beneath the Boxscore's own Dicky Dunn was on the scene in an effort to 'capture the spirit of the thing', and his voice drowned out the legion of jock-sniffing hagiographers. "Cam and Tom, do you think this will affect your focus for your playoff games this weekend?" At the question, the four stars at the podium began laughing hysterically. Cam Newton brought Jim Mora, dressed in a Colts sweater, on stage. "Playoffs?!" Mora bellowed, reprising his famous retort. "Playoffs?! Don't talk about-- Playoffs?! We just hope they serve booze in space!" Beckham, holding two custom-made footlong Katz's Pastrami sandwiches in each hand added, "We paid him 5 million dollars to do that!"

"But anyway, thanks for coming guys," boomed JJ Watt, while drinking milk directly from a cow's utter through a floor length beard that he grew this week. "It's been a crazy 12 hours, and we appreciate you all coming to our Hoveryacht on such short notice. We've got some big news, and we couldn't wait to tell the world. We would like to announce our retirement from football, effective immediately."

That's when all hell broke loose. Everyone in the press corps was shouting follow-up questions. Beckham could be heard singing "Immediatamente!" while hitting a piñata. Brady and Newton started playing a game of Yu-Gi-Oh on a Mercedes-built hoverboard. Gronkowski tossed a drunken Great White Shark out of the Daiquiri Machine because it "kept biting (his) junk!" JJ Watt continued his off-season weight training program.

Again, Dicky Dunn was able to outshout the room. "Guys! Guys! Please, tell us why you're retiring! We're trying to capture the spirit of the thing!"

Brady, Newton, Watt, and Beckham looked at each other, seeing who wanted to talk. Newton shrugged at his buddies, and let them know he'd take it. Everyone in the room fell silent, except for Gronkowski who was singing a metal version of the Perfect Strangers theme song while opening christmas presents he bought himself. Newton, somehow staring right into the eyes of everyone in the room and on couches and computer chairs around the world, said, "Wouldn't you quit your job too?"

When the whole world nods, the G0dz have spoken.

"I knew I should have rigged the powerball too."

"It's not a game," said Brady, while playing a "Performapal Pendulum Sorcerer", much to Newton's dismay. "Yu-Gi-Oh is a game. Gronk Bowling is a game. Games don't take away your motor skills, and lead to suicide. Games don't cause traumatic brain injuries that can fundamentally change your body chemistry and make you violent sociopaths. Games don't tell you not to pay tribute to your deceased father with a message in your eye black. This is a job. It's a good job, and one that people love watching us do, so we get paid well for it. But if they didn't pay us, we wouldn't do it. So if we don't need the money, we're out. I'm sure you all feel the same way about your jobs, but you wonder if there's anything you could do that you would love that could earn you enough money to get by, and I'm sure there is, but you won't see ads for it on television. Keep buying shit. Keep going to work. Buy more shit. Do more work. Fuck that. I'm finally richer than my wife, and I'm gonna jerk off on any damn couch I feel like!"

The players all waived goodbye and kicked everyone off the Hoveryacht, leaving us to wonder if we'll still care about the games now that we know the players don't like playing, that we're mistaking their commitment for passion and their relief for joy. "Oh, before you go," Newton added. "You should know that we asked Aaron Rodgers if he wanted to get in on this with us, and he said, 'The lottery is a tax on the poor, the last dimes they can squeeze out of the fabled American Dream.' What a dickweed. Enjoy those Double A-gap Blitzes, buddy!"

"Always listen to Gronk. He probably gets to have sex before marriage! Always listen to Gronk."