tl;dr

On Sunday, a basketball player was hit in the testes. This is not a new phenomenon. Athletes, be they professionals or amateurs, have been getting hit in the nuts since the dawn of time, and America has been publicly laughing about it at least since Bob Saget first hosted Ow! My Balls! America's Funniest Home Videos. At some point, though, saying someone got hit in the balls didn't sound that funny any more. Was the market over-saturated? Possibly. Were balls not funny anymore? Unlikely. Was the idea of getting hit in the testes, a feeling any man knows and just the thought of which triggers a tightening of the taint region, scarier than it was funny? Hmmm... What do you do when you want to laugh at someone without questioning how you would feel in a similar circumstance? Enter Gawker Media.

The Dream of Being Invisible

Jay-Z has many responsibilities as Corporate America's Hypeman the Self-Appointed King of Brooklyn. After deciding to stop making good albums in 2003, he has worn many overpriced hats. Sadly, when Jay-Z started an agency for athletes he could no longer serve as the Nets mascot because it was a conflict of interest. He still frequently attends games, though, in hopes of getting to hang out with his old friend from the Marcy Houses, Mikhail Prokhorov. Jay-Z acts as the fan all Nets fans can rally around, which must be why they don't stand up with under three minutes left in a tied playoff game. Being the Nets most important fan must be very hard for him because he is always visible in his front row seats (when they aren't empty for the first 7 minutes of the second half) and doesn't know how scoring works in basketball.

Hot Stock Tip - Short Sell Running Backs

"I knew I should've been a DB..."

For the second straight year zero running backs were selected in the first round of the NFL draft. Before last year this had never happened in the common draft era, dating back to 1967. 

The sleuths here at Beneath The Boxscore have unearthed an email dated April 29th 2012 (coincidentally, one day after the draft ended):

Rumor: Josh Gordon Trying Out for Argonauts

It's been a wonderful 24 hours for the Cleveland Browns, but it looks like the honeymoon may be over. Josh Gordon has reportedly been trying out for the Toronto Argonauts of the CFL during the off-season. This is not the first time Gordon has shown interest in playing for the franchise, as he missed the first 2 games of the 2013 season after an injury sustained in an Argonauts tryout. While CFL tryouts are legal for medical purposes in 21 American states, it is still strictly against NFL bylaws. It is unclear if Gordon suffers from a "severe medical condition" that would necessitate trying out for the Argonauts, but if the rumors are true, and he has indeed been caught trying to "get North" it would mean Gordon would get at least a one year contract with a CFL franchise.

It is unclear why Gordon isn't happy in Cleveland, as he was reportedly pleased with the team drafting Johnny Manziel. This just may be another case of the "grass being greener," similar to Aaron Hernandez who has been trying out for the Ravens since college.

Fit to Be King

"It is better to be hated for who you are than be loved for what you're not."
- Kurt Cobain Marilyn Monroe André Gide

Googling the attribution of the above quote yields a simple demonstration of how information is stored and disseminated on the internet. The first hits will say that Kurt Cobain said this. He did say it, and so that's true, and there are plenty of memes saying he said it, so even if it weren't true, it still counts (just as the cat who sits in the soup bowl and says, "All ur ramenz r belongz to uz" counts).

No-Look Seeing Something

Whoever this finger is pointing at must be stopped.

Earvin "Magic" Johnson's crusade against unacceptable private behavior claimed another victory today, as he prevented an act of domestic arson. "I was just walking my dog, Madam Silver, down the street when I could feel something wasn't right. It was like back when I was driving down the lane, and I would think, 'Is Worthy open? Where's Larry?' And I'd say, 'Not this time, Larry!' Behind the back to Kurt for the dunk! That's what I'm talking about! High fives and hugs all around, both of which I invented by the way. Sorry, what was the question? Oh, right, so I'm walking Madam, and I whip my head around and I see this guy, he's white but that's not important, and he's about to burn his house down! Not only that, listen, now, not only that, but he's about to burn his house down on his son's birthday, and they're having a party! I mean, what is this world coming to people, when a man can just set fire to whatever he pleases with all those children around? So, you know, thankfully I was there, and I'm sure all you would have done the same, but long story short, I'm now the owner of the house, as well as the arsonists beautiful family. Some of the other children, well, we're looking into how they were allowed to be at this arsonist's home, and where were the parents and all that, but we'll leave it to the courts."

President Obama was unavailable for comment, but the first lady mentioned Sasha, Maliah, and the future several times.

The Worst Makeup Call Ever

Famous Jameis strikes again. The two-sport playing, rape accusation defending, Heisman trophy winning FSU quarterback has picked up a new moniker: shoplifter. This new title comes after Winston was caught leaving a local Publix (a chain of grocery stores in the south that really deserves to be everywhere) with $32 worth of crab legs and craw-fish.

Jameis certainly chose an interesting time to pick up the mantle of the Florida Man.

Nets Empty First Quarter Seat Emboldened By Twitter Callout

In response to being called out by the Brooklyn Nets twitter account as a bad fan, Empty First Quarter Seat showed stoic resolve today. Empty First Quarter Seat wasn't taking any questions, but it was plain to all that he knew this was the biggest game of the season. "It's do or die right now. It's win or watch the Ice Capades. He'll be ready," said Nets Coach Jason Kidd while giving one of his many court ordered high school speeches. "He lives for these moments, and he thrives in 7pm tipoffs. He's been here all year, game in, game out. I'd say he's the most dependable part of the franchise, but that would be a disservice to Andrei Kirilenko's wife, who's been hot all year."

Deh-Shay Deh-Shay Bah-Sah-Rah! Deh-Shay Deh-Shay Bah-Sah-Rah!

LEAKED: David Stern Serenades Adam Silver before Presser

So, You Wanna Own and NBA Team...

Our first lesson at Beneath the Boxscore comes from the abundantly corrupt microcosm of the National Basketball Association.

Let's approach this particular lesson as a hypothetical.

"Are you sure you can afford to pay me that?"

It is 1991. You are a wildly popular, hall-of-fame-bound, NBA basketball player whose career approaches its inevitably sad denouement. It is nearly inconceivable that your brand as a global product will ever be as strong as it is, and can be safely assumed to plummet when your career ends. While some had success post career (OJ!, Jim Brown, Arnold Palmer), and you have a magnetic personality and are a compelling pitchman, you are in trouble of being lost under the immense shadow of the even more sellable Michael Jordan.